When Couples Therapy Feels Worse Before It Gets Better

If you’ve started couples therapy and feel like things are worse than before, you’re not imagining it. You’re not failing. Many couples enter therapy hoping that it will immediately calm conflict, restore a sense of closeness, or help them communicate better. Instead, sessions can oftentimes bring up arguments, raw emotions, and conversations that have been avoided for years. Suddenly, everything feels louder, heavier, and more unstable.

This can feel terrifying! And it can also lead couples to wonder: Did we make a mistake by starting therapy?

In many cases, what you’re experiencing is not necessarily a sign that therapy isn’t working, but potentially a sign that it is.

Most relationships survive by developing unspoken rules, like not talking about a certain fight, or avoiding certain topics to keep the peace, and maybe even pretending things are fine. Couples therapy disrupts these rules, and disturbs the imagined sense of peace that’s been existing. Instead of smoothing things over, therapy asks you to slow down and name what is actually happening beneath the surface (hurt, resentment, fear, grief). When those emotions finally come up for air, they don’t always come out neatly. This phase often feels worse because suppressed feelings are finally being acknowledged, old arguments resurface with new intensity, and you’re learning new ways of speaking that don’t feel natural yet.

Some couples might also be noticing that they’ve started fighting more since starting therapy. This is one of the most common fears my clients share! What matters isn’t whether conflict exists, but how conflict is changing. Early therapy conflict can often look like more honesty and less shutdown, stronger reactions, and increased vulnerability alongside defensiveness. And this doesn’t mean that the relationship is deteriorating, but that the relationship is no longer numbing itself to survive.

Feeling worse can be a sign of progress as well. Couples therapy is often working when you’re naming patterns instead of repeating them, noticing that emotions feel closer to the surface instead of being buried, recognizing your own role in the pattern, and pain is being validated. Healing starts with clarity, not always comfort.

There is no universal timeline for how long this phase lasts. Typically, the earlier phase can least weeks to months. Relief comes as new skills and safety begin to solidify and feel like second-nature. Trust is a large part of this repair. Maybe progress looks like shorter fights with faster repair and more emotional honesty.

Despite all of this, not all discomfort is productive. Couples therapy might need to be adjusted if sessions feel unsafe or invalidating, one partner is the only one being blamed or even pathologized, or if there is ongoing emotional, verbal, or physical harm. Discussing productive discomfort versus harmful dynamic can be a helpful topic to be discussed in session.

If you’re considering quitting couples therapy, it can be helpful to ask yourself what feels hardest, what feels different since beginning therapy, and if you and your partner are potentially avoiding discomfort or protecting yourselves from harm! Many couples quit therapy right before meaningful change begins, simply because the process feels unbearable without context.

Couples therapy isn’t always about making things calm, but about making them honest enough to heal. If your relationship feels shaken right now, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It may mean you’re finally telling the truth and learning how to stay connected while doing so.

If you and your partner are feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or unsure whether couples therapy is helping, you don’t have to navigate that alone. I work with couples who feel emotionally flooded and anxious, and help them slow the cycle, identify the pattern, understand what’s happening, and rebuild safety. You can learn more or schedule a consultation here.